Fat Bastard.

Did you watch the Austin Powers movies back in the day? My best friend and I had them memorized. Especially the first one. I loved all the movies - but the first one was especially good. Do you remember this part?

Fat Bastard: Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself.

I remember the first time I saw that part of the movie. We were in the movie theater and I felt so ashamed - because even then, still technically a teenager, his words were true. Except the part about the farting. That part was hilarious and snapped me out of my short self-pity party that started when he began talking about being unhappy because he over eats and over eats because he is unhappy. I wore a size 20/22 when I was 18 years old. I'd been in plus size clothing for years. I don't remember a time when I didn't have to shop in the plus size department.

So let's do some math here. My mother put me into my first "fat class" called Weight Wise when I was 13ish. I worse a size 14/16. I weighed about 214 pounds, if memory serves. That was over 100 pounds ago. It got increasingly worse from there. So let's say I've been trying to lose weight since I was around 12 - because it had to have been a problem for a while for my mother to put me into a hospital based class that taught me how to "eat right". I'm 32 now. When I was younger she used to tell me it was just "baby fat" and  I'd grow out of it. I didn't grow out of it, I added to it. 

That's 20 years of bad habits. That's 20 years of feeling inadequate, unloved and ostracized. That's about the time I started with the "when I'm skinny I'm going to..." pattern of thinking. Twenty years later, I've given up the "when I'm skinny I'm going to..." mentality. Now I just think this is my doom, my fate. My dysfunctional relationship with food has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

I read something today that talked about eating disorders. I definitely have one - and right about now I wish it were the polar opposite of the one I actually have. I wish anorexia upon myself instead of this overeating nonsense. That's terrible. But I wish I could be - or perhaps I wish I could be a cocaine addict. How many fat cocaine addicts to you know? 

I'm 32 years old and I  still haven't figured out how to conquer my relationship with food. My life has stopped progressing. I stick to a diet for a few weeks - lose some weight - then I don't even know what to tell you happens. I just lose it and I eat everything in sight. Today was one of those days. I didn't leave the house, I didn't do anything but sleep and eat. Those are the only two things that I care to do. What I need is a wake up call. My life is slipping past me. 20 years of this. 

What a daunting thought. 

I Did It...

I did it.

I quit my job.

No, I don't have another one lined up. No, I don't exactly know what I'm going to do to make money. But I do know this: I made the right decision. I didn't even see it coming - it just happened. And it's the right thing. There comes a point when you simply know it's time to let things go. Today was the day.

Now is the time.

Chasing the Rabbit

I had a nervous breakdown of sorts last week. 


There - I said it. I won't go into details because quite frankly - they aren't the internet's business. But I will say this: I currently am in a miserable & hopeless state. Everywhere I turn - everything seems to go wrong. I am miserable at work, I am miserable at home. I am miserable everywhere I go & in everything I do. So I sleep as often as possible. It's pretty much the only thing I enjoy these days. 

 I've suffered from depression since my teenage years - possibly earlier. As I've grown older it's gotten worse - and anxiety has joined the pity party. Happiness is a fleeting & rare feeling in my world, often accompanied and/or overshadowed by depression. I've been on anti-depressant medications since late in my teenage years - off & on. I've been taking them regularly now for about 3 years. I'm wondering at what point I'm supposed to feel better... 

Mostly I just feel numb & uninterested. I know it's worse if I stop taking them. I've been down that road. It typically leads to more unthought-out decisions & I end up crashing in a mangled heap - far worse off then I was before. I've been to psychiatrists, counselors - you name it. But I am a counselor by profession so nothing they have to say is news to me. Yah... I took that class too. And the doctors just keep upping my doses & giving me more pills. 

I know where a lot of my problems stem from: my weight, my overall dissatisfaction with the state of my life in general, past regrets & pain I can't let go of. It is worsening now because the heavier I get, the more physical pain I experience on a daily basis. Every day I battle to get myself out of bed. Every. Single. Day. And it only gets harder. It never gets easier or more enjoyable.

I quit high school at 15 years old because I hated it so much, I couldn't find the will to get myself out of bed to go. I haven't felt that horribly since... Until now. But I'm an adult now with bills to pay & (doggie) mouths to feed. I can't just quit my job. The job market here is in such a state that people with more qualifications than I have can't find work. I am literally stuck. 

So what is one to do in this type of situation? I can't think of a thing... I keep reading self help literature that tells me to have faith & get off my ass (not in those words exactly, of course...) "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!" 

That sounds nice & all... But what if you have no idea what those dreams are? What if you simply can't drop everything and pursue the life you want and deserve? Then what do you chase? Alice's White Rabbit?

And the winner is....

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