My life has been full of unexpected twists and turns so far this year - starting in February when I quit The Job From Hell. None of these changes have been particularly bad - all of them have been really, really good actually. Most have been really, really hard too...
I am finding myself now in need of making some pretty big decisions. I'm not really ready to share all of those with the world wide web yet - but soon... One example is perhaps cutting down on the number of blogs I have. I am struggling with the whole premise behind this blog in particular. I don't have a problem with my weight - society does, though I would like to be a bit more healthy. I started my weight loss journey not for myself per se - but because of the limitations it was putting on my life. I think I labeled that as being "for myself". I don't really think that it is. I want to be thin so that I can have better job opportunities, more self confidence, more dating opportunities. I don't want to do it because I care about my health.
Mostly I'd just like to care about things in general. Right now I don't. A midst all these changes and decisions, I've also been continuing my battle with depression and anxiety. I am sad to report that at the moment, despite several positive changes and happenings in my life, my depression is at an all time low.
I just don't care.
I have a new job that isn't bad - but I am in constant physical pain because of it. I went from a desk job to being on my feet 8 hours a day. My body isn't adjusting as quickly and as much as I'd like it to. Despite this extra walking - on average 3 miles per day - I am still gaining weight. I've gone from nothing to walking 3 miles a day. My eating habits have gotten better if anything. I don't understand. If that whole calories in, calories burned thing the doctors and personal trainers have been trying to sell me my entire life is true, I should be much skinnier already. I'm not. I'm not even slightly skinnier. I just walk more and hurt more. That's all that I've gotten out of it. I'm going on 3 months now at this new job. Something should be different by now...
But back to the blogging... In over a year I've lost and regained the same 30 pounds. I am oh so grateful for those of you out there who have left comments saying that you can relate to my struggles and to those of you who share your stories with me. That is about it as far as the positives go for me from all of this. My virtual friends. The ones I don't disappoint by making plans with them then backing out of them at the last moment.
My friends deserve a better friend than me.
I see the positive in NOTHING right now. There is no good, only bad. All the good things that are happening to me, I keep finding things wrong with that take away the joy they are supposed to bring. I'm less than a year away from earning my Bachelor's degree. But the shadow of looming student loan debt repayments have taken the fun out of that accomplishment.
As I reflect on that and other things, this is the way my entire life has been. Nothing has ever been wonderful. Perhaps wonderful is merely a state of mind - one of which I am unable to imagine and make for myself. I've been reading lots of books on the power of positive thinking and such. But none have made the proverbial light bulb go off for me yet.
My depression and general lack of interest in all things has driven my friends away. My family doesn't know what to think. I work in a mental hospital now - and I know there's not much they can do for me there. I'm beginning to wonder if it is a biological issue - something is off perhaps with my hormones or something. But my new doctor is one of those calories in, calories burned types who thinks depression is simply something that can be turned off. I am currently in search of a new primary care physician...