strange things...

My life has been full of unexpected twists and turns so far this year - starting in February when I quit The Job From Hell. None of these changes have been particularly bad - all of them have been really, really good actually. Most have been really, really hard too...

I am finding myself now in need of making some pretty big decisions. I'm not really ready to share all of those with the world wide web yet - but soon... One example is perhaps cutting down on the number of blogs I have. I am struggling with the whole premise behind this blog in particular. I don't have a problem with my weight - society does, though I would like to be a bit more healthy. I started my weight loss journey not for myself per se - but because of the limitations it was putting on my life. I think I labeled that as being "for myself". I don't really think that it is. I want to be thin so that I can have better job opportunities, more self confidence, more dating opportunities. I don't want to do it because I care about my health.

Mostly I'd just like to care about things in general. Right now I don't. A midst all these changes and decisions, I've also been continuing my battle with depression and anxiety. I am sad to report that at the moment, despite several positive changes and happenings in my life, my depression is at an all time low.


I just don't care. 

I have a new job that isn't bad - but I am in constant physical pain because of it. I went from a desk job to being on my feet 8 hours a day. My body isn't adjusting as quickly and as much as I'd like it to. Despite this extra walking - on average 3 miles per day - I am still gaining weight. I've gone from nothing to walking 3 miles a day. My eating habits have gotten better if anything. I don't understand. If that whole calories in, calories burned thing the doctors and personal trainers have been trying to sell me my entire life is true, I should be much skinnier already. I'm not. I'm not even slightly skinnier. I just walk more and hurt more. That's all that I've gotten out of it. I'm going on 3 months now at this new job. Something should be different by now...

But back to the blogging... In over a year I've lost and regained the same 30 pounds. I am oh so grateful for those of you out there who have left comments saying that you can relate to my struggles and to those of you who share your stories with me. That is about it as far as the positives go for me from all of this. My virtual friends. The ones I don't disappoint by making plans with them then backing out of them at the last moment.

My friends deserve a better friend than me. 

I see the positive in NOTHING right now. There is no good, only bad. All the good things that are happening to me, I keep finding things wrong with that take away the joy they are supposed to bring. I'm less than a year away from earning my Bachelor's degree. But the shadow of looming student loan debt repayments have taken the fun out of that accomplishment.

As I reflect on that and other things, this is the way my entire life has been. Nothing has ever been wonderful. Perhaps wonderful is merely a state of mind - one of which I am unable to imagine and make for myself. I've been reading lots of books on the power of positive thinking and such. But none have made the proverbial light bulb go off for me yet.

My depression and general lack of interest in all things has driven my friends away. My family doesn't know what to think. I work in a mental hospital now - and I know there's not much they can do for me there. I'm beginning to wonder if it is a biological issue - something is off perhaps with my hormones or something. But my new doctor is one of those calories in, calories burned types who thinks depression is simply something that can be turned off. I am currently in search of a new primary care physician... 

beautiful

Purging - in a good way...

Today I purged my kitchen of everything non-vegan and non-gluten free.

I spent the morning shopping for vegan and gluten free food to stock my pantry and frig - so best to get all the "bad" food temptation out of the house.

This wasn't really a planned activity - there was no diet "start date" as I have done in the past. It kind of just happened as a natural step in the direction my life is taking.


Allow me to explain...

I went to a new doctor last week and he gave me the "you HAVE to lose weight" speech they all give me.

Duh... thanks for your input, Captain Obvious... 

But at 5'8, 350 lbs, complaining of severe foot pain - it's hard to argue with him, right? As much as I wanted to punch him in the face, he's right.

The fact still remains that the troubles with my back, feet and virtually every other part of my body are getting to the unbearable stage. My new job keeps me on my feet walking around a hospital for 8 hours a day. My little size 7 1/2 feet can't handle carrying all this extra weight around for that amount of time.

My right hip is violently protesting it too. I come home literally aching EVERYWHERE - courtesy of the excess weight and arthritis. I'm 32 years old and I shouldn't come home from work and dive directly into bed because I am in so much pain I can't stand to do anything else. Something's gotta give... It's not going to be the job - I like it and I'm so happy to be out of the horrible work situation I was in before that the pain is almost worth it. I can handle physical pain, the mental abuse was too much. But I don't have to be in pain all the time...

So back to the doctor - he handed me a meal plan "tested at Harvard" and sent me on my way.

Really? REALLY?!?!

If it were that easy this blog wouldn't exist - neither would the diet pill industry - and probably doctors like him wouldn't be quite so well off either. So I came home, looked over his little meal plan and got even more pissed when I realized he'd completely disregarded the fact that I'd told him I was vegan and had handed me a meal plan chock full of meat, eggs and dairy. Jerk...

So I went to the Happy Herbivore website and downloaded one of her meal plans, 5 dollars well spent. I gave it to the Senior Citizen and announced to him that his job for the next two weeks was to cook vegan meals and make sure I stuck to this diet plan. Two weeks. Baby steps. I can commit to two weeks.

He's the one bringing crap food into the house, now he has to stop it. So yes, that means Pops is going veg too. At least while he's at home. So far he's eaten two vegan meals and was surprised how delicious they were. He's also retired and worked with food virtually his entire life. He's bored and needs something to keep him busy all day.

The celebrities all stick to their diets because it's easy to do when you have a personal chef. I figure, hell maybe it will work for me! He's not a celebrity chef but he could be. I've gotta work with the tools I've got. So I dug out all my vegan cookbooks and gave him his assignments: plan and prepare meals, and read the book Main Street Vegan: Everything You Need to Know to Eat Healthfully and Live Compassionately in the Real World which I recently finished reading and was unable to put down. It's a great, all encompassing book about veganism. It will help him understand why I want to do this. Right now he just simply doesn't understand it.

So for now I am focusing on work, diet, sleep, and school. Probably in that order, sleeping may be first. I got a pedometer app on my iPhone to count the number of steps I walk at work each night. I'm averaging between 3-4 miles per night (I work the overnight shift) so getting in any additional exercise beyond that isn't going to be a priority right now. I went from walking to my car and back to walking 3-4 miles a day. I think that counts as exercise right now. As my body begins to tolerate it better I'll work more in. I'm going to try working in at least 2 days of water aerobics in my pool on my days off for now.