I can eat whatever I want - as long as it's vegan AND gluten free.
No, it's not some new diet fad. It's the way of eating that makes me feel the best. I have struggled immensely lately with eating strictly gluten free and vegan. It's so harddd!
My family just doesn't get it and when I go visit them in California I am at the mercy of what they have in their house to eat. I like to be there for my niece's dance competitions as often as possible - so I travel there several times a year. But my sister simply cannot grasp the concept of not eating cheese. She puts cheese on everything. She puts cheese on cheese! In fact, her two main food groups are cheese and anything containing gluten. This is typically when I stray... And it becomes harder and harder to get back on track. I take myself right back to square 1.
They also eat out a lot. Usually at least once or twice a day. So then I find myself sitting at a table with my family, staring at a menu that contains nothing vegan and gluten free except a plain salad, with no dressing. Then my eyes wander to the comfort foods section - and I am feeling depressed by then because of my lack of options. That macaroni and cheese suuuure starts to look good. Then I rationalize it. "I should get to enjoy my food too! Why do I have to eat the plain lettuce while my family enjoys ribs, mac and cheese, fried chicken, etc? Isn't it bad enough that I have food allergies? Now I have to be tortured by watching them eat all those delicious foods that I can't? F THAT!" But then I'm the one swollen up and barely able to move later in the day from my poor food choices. I'm the one running to the bathroom and unable to sleep at night from the swelling in my hands and feet. I'm the one stuck with the guilt. I'm the only one in my own personal hell.
Now if you put a fat chick in a restaurant and only give her the option of plain lettuce for dinner, then entice her with all her favorite comfort foods at an already vulnerable moment - she's going to choose the macaroni and cheese at least 9 times out of 10. So... I keep getting thrown off track. I can't blame anyone but myself. I could have eaten the plain lettuce - but I didn't. Because I like macaroni and cheese. And I was ravishingly hungry. Lettuce wasn't going to cut it.
So here I am, still gaining and losing those same 30 or so pounds. I actually went above my highest weight and broke the 350 lb mark a few weeks ago. My stress levels were at their max. I was completely and totally unhappy in every area of my life. 350. That's a number I never thought I'd see staring back at me from a scale. I said that about the number 300 too. And 315, 320, 325, 330... For about a week I made my favorite saltine cracker toffee every night - and ate it all myself. That continued until I ran out of brown sugar and butter in my house. It also made me quite ill. I did it anyway...
So I decided I needed to make some drastic changes. Not in my diet, though that of course needs to happen - but in my life. I quit my job - which was long overdue. I spent 3 weeks searching my soul - and for a new job - of which I've found. I have two now actually. And what I've discovered is this: my negative thinking is literally killing me.
What's holding you back from having the life that you want?