Fat Bastard.

Did you watch the Austin Powers movies back in the day? My best friend and I had them memorized. Especially the first one. I loved all the movies - but the first one was especially good. Do you remember this part?

Fat Bastard: Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself.

I remember the first time I saw that part of the movie. We were in the movie theater and I felt so ashamed - because even then, still technically a teenager, his words were true. Except the part about the farting. That part was hilarious and snapped me out of my short self-pity party that started when he began talking about being unhappy because he over eats and over eats because he is unhappy. I wore a size 20/22 when I was 18 years old. I'd been in plus size clothing for years. I don't remember a time when I didn't have to shop in the plus size department.

So let's do some math here. My mother put me into my first "fat class" called Weight Wise when I was 13ish. I worse a size 14/16. I weighed about 214 pounds, if memory serves. That was over 100 pounds ago. It got increasingly worse from there. So let's say I've been trying to lose weight since I was around 12 - because it had to have been a problem for a while for my mother to put me into a hospital based class that taught me how to "eat right". I'm 32 now. When I was younger she used to tell me it was just "baby fat" and  I'd grow out of it. I didn't grow out of it, I added to it. 

That's 20 years of bad habits. That's 20 years of feeling inadequate, unloved and ostracized. That's about the time I started with the "when I'm skinny I'm going to..." pattern of thinking. Twenty years later, I've given up the "when I'm skinny I'm going to..." mentality. Now I just think this is my doom, my fate. My dysfunctional relationship with food has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

I read something today that talked about eating disorders. I definitely have one - and right about now I wish it were the polar opposite of the one I actually have. I wish anorexia upon myself instead of this overeating nonsense. That's terrible. But I wish I could be - or perhaps I wish I could be a cocaine addict. How many fat cocaine addicts to you know? 

I'm 32 years old and I  still haven't figured out how to conquer my relationship with food. My life has stopped progressing. I stick to a diet for a few weeks - lose some weight - then I don't even know what to tell you happens. I just lose it and I eat everything in sight. Today was one of those days. I didn't leave the house, I didn't do anything but sleep and eat. Those are the only two things that I care to do. What I need is a wake up call. My life is slipping past me. 20 years of this. 

What a daunting thought.