A plan.
Perhaps that is what I am lacking.
I am finding that I also lack desire at the moment - at least desire for the right things. I want sweet things. I want sugar. I've been avoiding the gluten - and making up for it with sugar. I am obviously off balance and have been for quite some time. I can't give up something without making up for it by indulging in something else - something possibly worse for me than the original thing I gave up in the first place.
There's no balance, none what so ever in my life. This is not unique to my eating habits, I often over-indulge in new activities and then grow tired of them quickly (hence: 3 - wait no, I'm now up to 4 - blogs). It's been a significant part of my personality for as long as I can remember. Is it my wiring - or is it something I can change? I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm not where I want to be - physically, mentally or emotionally. I've been spending a significant amount of time trying to figure me out lately. I know that I won't be able to conquer my weight issue if I don't figure out why I eat everything in sight. Sure, I love to eat. I love food! But there has to be a place where I can find some balance. I can't eat an entire pineapple upside down cake in one weekend - why can't I stop at just one piece?
I'm in school finishing my bachelor's degree. I'm a year away from a degree in something that I don't want to do for the rest of my life. But I will finish it - because I'm so close and don't want to start over. Plus I don't know what I want to "be when I grow up". I just need a degree under my belt - I can go back to grad school once I figure out what I want to do.
I have many ideas - many things I'd like to do. I'd like to open a gluten free bakery, become a master raw chef - but I am not really all that fond of cooking and cake decorating is not my forte. I want to be a writer. I want to be a singer (pipe dream, I know...) I want to do something in the NHL. I'd like to start my own line of plus size clothing - but I'm not artistic enough to draw my ideas out on paper. My artistic abilities are limited to stick people and one particular flower:
 |
| There it is - my one flower. In all it's glory... |
My degree will be in counseling with an emphasis in chemical dependency. The counseling I am ok with - being a life coach is also on my list of "to do" careers. However, one cannot coach another on how to live their life if one does not have one's own life in balance. The chemical dependency is the part of the degree that I'm not so sure about. It's what I'm doing right now but not necessarily what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's not fun, I dread coming to work most every day, the hours are horrifying and the particular field I work in is very un-fulfilling and quite thankless (heroin addicts). I feel more like a probation officer than a counselor. I'm policing these people, reprimanding them for their continually dirty drug screens, for missing appointments and really their general lack of investment in the betterment of their own lives. Sometimes I care more about their sobriety than they do. I'm not counseling them - the vast majority of them I'm not entirely sure we're even helping. Heroin is a helluva drug...
I listened to a tele-call last night entitled Bringing Happy Back in which one of the hosts named off a list of things that could be holding us back from our happiness and asked us to decide which one stands out the most to us as the thing preventing us from living the life we want. The one that stood out the most to me?
Money (lack thereof).
I'm really not entirely sure how to take that. I passed up love (of which I have in the form of family and good friends but no romantic prospects at the moment), career, friendships, etc and when I was really brutally honest with myself, money was the answer. That opens up a whole new can of worms. Am I selfish? Am I far too worldly? Do I put too much worth into material possessions?
Well no - I don't really think so. I want money so that I don't have to go into debt to obtain my education, so that I won't have to live from paycheck to paycheck, so that I can go on a yearly vacation to somewhere new. I don't think that those things are selfish, I think that they are all contributing to my unhappiness.
So, dear readers - how exactly does one go about finding their purpose in life?
How do you find that one job you'll be happy doing for the remainder of your life?
Have you found yours?
And finally - why am I playing Firework for you? Well... listen to the lyrics.
