A Constant Battle

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I am in constant battle with myself. I am my own worst enemy, my toughest critic and a terrible influence on myself.

There is a part of me that wants to be skinny, that wants to go on dates, to be confident in my appearance and happy in my skin. To feel good and be healthy. To have a positive attitude. To achieve the goals in life she feels she wants and deserves. But this person is currently overpowered by a stronger side of me.

This other side wallows in self pity. She's an absolute nuisance - and can be a total bitch. She is scared to death of social situations - and is riddled with anxiety and depression every moment of every day. She feeds the fat - because it's comforting. It keeps me socially unacceptable and thus gives her reason to stay holed up in her house - where she feels most comfortable. It gives her reason to avoid human contact. It gives her reason to push away those who want to be close to me - because they will only hurt me anyway, you see?

Or maybe it's BECAUSE she's been holed up in her house for so long that she simply doesn't know how to live life. She sees my reflection in the mirror and says "that's the most horrible thing I've ever seen. No one will ever love that - how could they? I don't even love that. Go feed it some pizza, get it out of my sight!"

There was a point in my life where I stopped progressing toward normal adulthood and started eating to cover up whatever was stopping me, whatever I was scared of. That's when the Nuisance side of me took over the helm. She said "you can't do this - look what you've gotten us into now. See? You should have listened to me sooner. Now we're doomed."

I haven't been able to pinpoint what caused this. I've either blocked it from my memory - or it was an accumulation of things starting in adolescence, or before. But at some point I stopped living life to the fullest and started trying to keep as much of life from happening to me as possible. Somewhere I stopped trying. Somewhere I lost hope. Somewhere I allowed the Nuisance to take control.

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